您所在的位置:黃岡中學廣州學校 > 師生園地 > 學生專欄 > > 我校2014年“我手寫我心”首屆詩歌原創大賽一等獎作品(一)
                我校2014年“我手寫我心”首屆詩歌原創大賽一等獎作品(一)

                一、七年級一等獎


                青春的方程

                七(2)班    吳冰絢    指導老師:吳斌

                我把成長的酸甜苦辣,

                把成長的點點滴滴,

                代入方程,

                想得出方程的答案。


                我用行動,

                在人生的草稿紙上,

                計算著,

                一個個答案出現,

                又一個個被否定。


                多少年之后,

                我知道了答案。

                青春,

                不是一個簡單的答案,

                而是,演算的過程。


                【點評】

                明白曉暢,意象鮮明,富有哲理。這首詩當得起這十二個字。

                這十二個字,正是一首好詩必備的三大要素。

                熱愛生活,感悟生活,然后拿起筆,用曉暢的語言把這生活的感悟抒寫出來,這就是散文。表達時不直抒胸臆,而是繞個彎兒,把感悟融鑄在意象之中,讀之有一種語短情長、含蓄蘊藉的美感,這就是詩。(點評老師:翟春生老師。七年級一等獎詩歌的點評人均為翟老師,下不贅述。)


                暮雨別君

                (5)     唐令正    指導老師:段興浪

                曉風殘月玉笛聲,

                好景各領千秋。

                綿綿無際縹緲雨,

                風落妖艷,

                雨濺春紅。


                高歌暢飲今日夜,

                明朝笑傲江湖。

                伴送君行千里外,

                應知君去后,

                相思情更濃。


                【點評】

                編新不如述舊,刻古終勝雕今。看到這首詩,我想起了《紅樓夢》中寶玉的話。

                我們不鼓勵舊體詩創作。

                不是因為它不好,而是因為它太難,尤其是對不知平仄為何物的七年級學生來說。

                正因難能,這首詩尤為可貴。

                詩歌化用《一剪梅》的牌子寫別情,曉風殘月,暮雨殘紅,意象古樸,哀婉感傷,卻又不失昂揚之氣,一派仗劍書生的氣度!

                最后兩句若改為“知君去后,相思更濃”,更具建筑美!



                夏天的蓮蓬

                七(12)班    熊家希    指導老師:張永良

                那時我們都還小

                在那棵年邁的榕樹的樹蔭下

                你伸出溫柔的手

                向我討要蓮蓬


                碧綠的池塘里

                青蛙歡快地唱著歌

                我采了一株最飽滿的蓮蓬

                想要送給你

                可那棵大榕樹下

                早已不見你的身影


                于是,我做了個夢

                夢里,我們依舊在榕樹的綠蔭下

                我捧著那株蓮蓬,遞給你

                喏,這是給你的蓮蓬

                我知道你等了一個夏天


                【點評】

                讀這首詩,讓我想起了小時候念過的南朝民歌《西洲曲》 :

                采蓮南塘秋,蓮花過人頭。低頭弄蓮子,蓮子清如水!

                雖然彼時我對詩意不甚理解,卻喜歡詩中夏日荷碧、女子采蓮的景致!

                長大后,閱歷漸長,再讀這首民歌,突然明白,原來我一直都念錯了。不是“蓮子清如水”,而是“憐子情如水”——愛你的情感如水深。

                只是,讀錯的字可以校正,錯過的人卻追不回來。

                是的,追不回來了,追悔的夢,只會給人帶來更多的悵惘!



                時間殺手

                七(16)班    洪辰楓    指導老師:翟春生

                白了頭的人,

                都在呼喊,

                時間啊!

                詮釋所有青春的時間啊!

                都去啊兒了呢


                其實,

                他們不明白,

                殺死青春的真正兇手

                不是時間

                而是得過且過罷了!


                【點評】

                詩不是只有淺吟低唱,百轉千回,它也會有熱烈奔放,酣暢淋漓。

                與《青春的方程》相比,此詩別有一番格調。

                拆分開來,全詩無一句不淺白,湊成一首,氣勢如虹。由“時間殺手”的命題,逼出一個“得過且過”的結論,發人深省!

                古人說“文如其人”,看了洪辰楓跳的街舞,再讀讀他的詩,誠哉此言!


                衣柜

                七(9)班   周嘉怡    指導老師:翟春生

                大人們

                都有一個衣柜

                黑漆漆的


                打開來

                 一張張人皮

                有的脅肩諂媚

                有的假裝正經


                每天

                他們站在衣柜前自言自語

                今天該披哪一件


                【點評】

                對于寫詩的心得,杜甫曾自嘲說,“語不驚人死不休”。

                作者這首小詩做到了!

                “人皮”,恐怖中帶著妖異,像一把鋒利的刀,無情地劃開“大人們”衣冠楚楚的掩飾下,那顆骯臟而丑陋的靈魂!

                詩歌“打開來/一張張人皮”銜接不夠自然,“有的脅肩諂媚/有的假裝正經”用字過于直露,不如改作:

                大人們,

                都有一個衣柜,

                黑漆漆的。

                打開門,

                排列著的,

                是一張張人皮,

                ——脅肩諂笑的,

                ——故作正經的,

                ……

                每天,

                他們站在衣柜前自言自語:

                “今天該披哪一件?”



                花音

                七(4)班    張皖悅   指導老師:王飛飛

                執筆畫如花美眷,

                淺吟唱似水流年。

                豆寇年華,

                沐風望晨,

                笙鏞玉宇。

                初春的鐘聲敲響了玫瑰色的夢境,

                少女的祈禱伴隨著櫻花飛舞。


                第一次相遇,

                在晨曦灑落的幽徑上。

                莞爾,

                嬌嫩的花瓣點綴了我的鬢發,

                你嘴角上揚,

                轉身離去。


                于是我開始盼望春暖花開,

                下一季的花期,

                靜候君音。


                【點評】

                首段見文采,取乎古典文學中的字句;

                后面見情愫,化用席慕容《一棵開花的樹》中的情懷。

                古典與現代扭結在一起,便有了這個混血兒。

                ——這是一個大膽的嘗試。

                作者閱讀廣泛,又具創新精神,是值得肯定的!

                只是,不能不提的是:“少女的祈禱伴隨著櫻花飛舞”一句,美則美矣!但與中國文學毫不沾邊——“少女的祈禱”源自波蘭鋼琴家巴達捷芙斯卡的同名鋼琴曲,櫻花屬于日本。

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